Shortbread

 The Renowned Chronicles Of Shortbread 

'''Or Shortcake (noun) Shortbread is a crumbly biscuit made from flour and butter. [from an old-fashioned use of short meaning ‘crumbly’] '''

 And Other Stories 

 (And Giraffes) 

 

Chapter 1 – Augustus Poop

Once there wasn’t 12 Russian bum-monkeys eating caterpillar’s eyeballs from Timbuktu. The mothers of those caterpillars mourned the deaths of their tables because they smelled like yoghurt pies. Many yoghurt children (with no ketchup) killed the bum monkey’s victims instead of their cheese flavoured lawnmower’s road sign’s synagogue’s parachutes. The chips stop lots of lawbreaking arteries with whales dipped in cheese. Now, 3 foreign moustaches, digging moles in Pakistan, decided to build 37 mole hotels, but instead died horribly in custard flavoured cement mixers. On which day does snow explode? Tuesday! That caterpillar didn’t die very much although it probably hurt when that gun anvil hit its inner ear. Perhaps I shouldn’t fall anywhere except up my ladder because otherwise I might implode which causes me much excitement. Whereas my mum isn’t healthy compared to a rodent/amphibian mixture. Pick ‘n’ mix whilst dieing fogs up marshmallows and oftentimes is a delicacy because it is horrible. Luis pooey wants many fair deals for crocodiles

Chapter 2 – Septagonal Squares

Glue smells quite pleasant in marmalade. I enjoy sniffing this French glue because it makes me feel awful. Paper decides on different people’s macs however 12 rats flew down 7 drainpipes. Floating pickles while on trampolines smoking liquid hydrogen is detrimental. Did mustard smell of yellow? Tuesday smells indeed of fish. Wax is often flipping misunderstood because dogs misunderstand their genitalia. Shavers being corny, corn whilst canoodling with cheesecake’s babies. Parachutes owned precariously by bi’s never smelt bronze because smelting is terrible, illegal and smells awfully varnishy. Cowboys ride girls for money but never for caviar or fun. Fish shit disappears randomly and reappears above their stepfather’s left eye. Then he screams “Sacre Mur!” although this is unorthodox he is actually partly snake. Sometimes people mistake him for a mushroom sandwich accommodation. Whales live in these. Windows are unreliable due to Ezekiel’s lack of Mushroom Cake Sandwiches. Ich bin eine Frankfurter Geschwister! Chavidas Loca is partially my dads 4th wife twice replaced.

Chapter 3 – Oktoberfest-ering

Cheese devours many personal diaries’ school. Dude. On a subject sits a giraffe named Enklebert McClaude Edward Wulfric Charles Enrique Simon-Says Xavier Augustus Jaques von Pomplemousse Bernoldi Banoffi Thibaude Verstappen Wells Davidson Andrews Wright Hotologa Moss-Pot or Fred for long. God destroyed my hometown and mum and that is it. Two many days afore I found my treacherous recipe for cheesecake toiletries and chips. Computing druids are dead and alive and undead and deceased and well and ill and marmalade and rather good for chess machines. Far Tar Lar Car Char. Elephants smoking Ice-creams will acuse lawyers of treason towards juvenile Gods and Hindus. Then the God said “Let there be Moustaches!” and no Moustaches appeared except for Asif the Long and Thin. “Ouch” said Asif the Long and Thin. “I hope that death do us part.” And so he died. The Grim Sleeper got driven over by a helicopter. I inhumed myself but it didn’t not hurt. Whenever I shit it sticks and pains me terribly. It is gory, but it becomes green/blue. Sometimes I feel buggered and decide to eat some feet and no petroleum chips with fire.

Chapter 4 – No! No! NO! –vember

One mid-afternoon I licked 12 different women. They got exited but exploded just like the firework that destroyed my television and VCR and right testicle and it showered me with my own creamy translucent tasty spunk with nothing but horror. I forgot I ate the Teflon so it came as a surprise when it got stuck halfway out my arse. I pretended to cry “Sacre Fleur Delacour!” then the talking shit said “If you see her, you will cum” so I did cum. I expected it to be creamier and more translucent. Sprouting out of my back is not a hair or a Fleur Delacour. “Bastards only paid £3.50 but I paid £100000000000000000000000

00000000000.84” screamed Enklebert McClaude Edward Wulfric Charles Enrique Simon-Says Xavier Augustus Jaques von Pomplemousse Bernoldi Banoffi Thibaude Verstappen Wells Davidson Andrews Wright Hotologa Moss-Pot or Fred for long, his dentures quivelling. The flying octopus made some quacamolé for his beloved anal psychiatrist, but it didn’t taste horrible,so his mother killed 12 Russian Bum-Monkeys, but they killed the Octopus and mouse.

Chapter 5 – Merry Decemberween!

Treehouses, umbrellas, black boards and yoghurts all are no strangers to bullying instead of nothing but cheese. Unwary Aubergines often-times murder liquidizers friends, who drank a person. Gin will spontaneously combust when thrown in pencil-cases on fire. Luis Pooey died in an unfortunate fair-trade accident when his fair-trade crocodile didn’t not not not not not bite his meat and 2 pumpkins (which are a kind of vegetable). Yesterdays newspaper exploded unfortunately when Enklebert McClaude Edward Wulfric Charles Enrique Simon-Says Xavier Augustus Jaques von Pomplemousse Bernoldi Banoffi Thibaude Verstappen Wells Davidson Andrews Wright Hotologa Moss-Pot or Fred for long (who is Enklebert) put gunpowder and fire and oil and rosemarys and the newspaper into his car seat underneath his polos and wine gums and snickers and not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not not the dog. Organ doners often destroy their evidence because they dropped off a furious crocodile head in Buckingham in Luis Pooey’s crocodile farm complex cheese.

Chapter 6 – J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-J-Jamuary

Demons lurking around curtains may implode without warning because they will implode. Aaaahhhh!!!!!! Help no-one it’s raining naked men help!!!!??!!!?! Asterix’s* often disappear for no apparent reasonable fishcakes. Chips often masturbate whilst eating banoffi juice and nothing. Spots can never cease to pop after choir. Maybe I will pop my spots, but before I do choir recitals. Bikinis and sentences often form seals spasmically. This can lead to tension, although people stare continuously at dead bikinis and punctuation? Bloody hell those infuriating anal worms continuously bite my retentive buttocks. However there is an uplifting sensation when they journey towards several of my sperm cells. My hairy inner-ear smells terribly of bum-fluffy like cucumber, however there is an uplifting thrust aimed towards my cheesy mother. Non-fiction Chinese voles venture through passages made of anti-fungal foot cream pies and baloney pizzas. Congratulations Enklebert McClaude Edward Wulfric Charles Enrique Simon-Says Xavier Augustus Jaques von Pomplemousse Bernoldi Banoffi Thibaude Verstappen Wells Davidson Andrews Wright Hotologa Moss-Pot or Fred for long you haven’t lost our dud prize.

* asterix = *

Chapter 7 – Februallualluearicabab

February is naked during February. “Perhaps scissors wouldn’t cut rocks if they were blunt” said the God of life. Then he cut all of the lawn between here and somewhere else because he started fitting. I ingested 24,792 nuclear pills, which made me say “sacre duh” and I decided to disrupt the very fabric of time and then space. Then one dropping scaled a brick mountain’s cousin. Johnny Depth is neurotically challenged, but he was underwater for 84 kajillion minutes. He came out when he couldn’t generate enough milk to satisfy his sponges needs. Eventually he was burnt nastily by hippos and fire. He was a terrible cook and unfortunately his soufflé still to this day never inflated. However, when it does inflate, it will transform undefinetely into something large and hairy – presumeably an orang-utan’s bottom. Jesus Christ!! I seems dead. D’oh!!! Whoops!!! I accidentally cut off my head and genitals. Camels salivate in deserts and cream. Afterwards, Johnny Depth rose from the alive and killed himself. Twelve Russian Bum-Monkey will certainly expire before now.

Chapter 10 – May – Where are March and April?

“Damn” Johnny Depth can say moo cows because he can say moo cows. He dived 90,000,000,000,000 miles under the water but died of thirst most grievously. He leapt over Dover Cliffs into McDonalds Restaurant™. He deceased of terrible starvation. Then he bulldozed Johnietta Depth – his mother’s cousin’s wife twice added’s husband’s daughter’s dog’s cat’s mouse’s exterminator’s wife’s pony’s hoof’s doctor’s daughter’s car’s cleaner’s window’s pane’s paint’s sea-monkeys’ Buzz Lightyear Action Figure’s original owner’s Brother’s Butler’s utensil’s Maid’s great-great-great-great-great-grandfather’s clock’s cuckoo bird’s non-existant pie-ice cream-pizza’s topping’s urine’s toilet’s planet’s galaxy’s city’s farmer’s corns’ children’s cousin’s woman (also his wife). Unfortunately this accident led to divorce, and also prize-pig winning for whoever could shit loudest whilst playing chess. A person crapped continuously on Thursday the 936th of Grune. Strangely, anal coolica monkeys gang-banged the Queen’s corgis. The misfortunately fucked-up corgis retreated, but fell into several vats of shite-holes. The anal coolica monkeys shouted “Shite! We’ll take the vats instead of you, you corgis-that-are-soaked-in-shizze!”

Chapter 11 – Ju-Jube tree! A.k.a. June

Holy cows are ludicrously shaped but not abnormal, in 1984 consequently George Washington leapt from CN Tower, which afterwards maimed me! Frogs hump lily pads and holy pleasure is the most pleasurable result of humping lilies since 1984. Many lemons squeeze themselves for money-cakes baked in a gelatinous oven. But the gelatinous oven fangoriously devours Mabel. Mabel’s legs will be chewed and gruesomely digested while her face gets splashed with the saliva and enzymes and her own blood. Lemming’s fuck cars called Billy MacPherson. Hillary Duffer made 17 kajillion simoleans on “TV 2: The Return of Nothing But Gore and Piss”. She pissed in the first scene but was crushed gorily by major Tom Wells, who is handsome yeah! Matt Wright is gay as the Exterminator a.k.a. Arnold ShakkaLakka. Who said yellow snow didn’t taste of piss?!!? It was piss! Said Enklebert McClaude Edward Wulfric Charles Enrique Simon-Says Xavier Augustus Jaques von Pomplemousse Bernoldi Banoffi Thibaude Verstappen Wells Davidson Andrews Wright Hotologa Moss-Pot or Fred for long because he was incredibly dangerously drunk. Out of whack man I’m groovily messed in fucking cheese mousse sculptures. END is now far away from now. Mabel is able to label a cable but not really because she has no legs.

Chapter 12 – Ju don’t ly to me baby. It’s just wrong.

Perhaps I willn’t buy the gelatinous action figure lunchbox set from Babages Online. “w00t!” N.Brown exclaimed “I pissed on myself yesterday-day and I shat my own self tomorrow-day”. I fell in my blender which mushed me and hurt my face hole violently. Mind-bending Gloy factories make Gloy prick’s sticks for a perr-ick. “Do me up my belly-buttons ass” screamed Mr Belly-buttonson. “O.K. then” said Mr Belly-buttonson Jr Jr Sr Jr Sr Jr Jr-son. Belly prancers fall up a chimney whenever possible or impossible. “Cubular belly pyramids. Oh my I dislike Cubular belly pyramids cones because they fooled my mother’s peg leg.” Screeched Cackbeard IX. “Yarrrghtrrly and me!” Yarrrghtrrly said. “Yarrrghtrrly et moi!” Long-John Frenchy-parrot whispered loudly to Yarrrghtrrly, Cackbeard IX’s eye patch. Cackbeard IX isn’t a pirate. His eye patch exists through potentia. “Crappy granny Nappy to the Rescue!!!!!!!!!!!” exclaimed. But the story ended anyway.

Or did it?

Yes, it did.